Monday, August 9, 2010

oh my god.

So here I am...4 months later, and about ten pounds heavier. Why? Why? Why? I hate myself. I want to die...literally. I feel dead inside anyways, and I haven't looked at myself in the mirror for weeks. Want to know what happened? How I killed the skinny version of myself which I loved and adored so much?
I moved back home after graduating. I felt great both on the inside and out. Everyone else seemed to have a different opinion. (That is everyone but random strangers passing by). My friends said I was too skinny and were disgusted by me, my family held their tongues a little more than my friends but I could see in their eyes that they were concerned. I went to church and ladies came up to me and said they were praying for my health. "WTF?!" I asked myself, but pretty soon I started believing everyone.
I then got an amazing job which requires me to run around with children all day and it's extremely stressful. I started eating to deal with the stress and to increase my energy, and all the while I was telling myself "I'm too skinny anyways, I need this (insert disgustingly fattening food here)." Losing my period for three months also served as a motivator for me to gain weight. I ate everything in my path…mostly because I was unconsciously scared it would be the last time I would ever get my chubby fingers on this crappy food again. After a couple of months of stressful work, I discovered the joys of getting high. I love to eat while being stoned and stuffing my face with everything from pizza, to peanut butter cups. Pretty soon I found myself thinking almost every other day of what food I was going to gorge out on that night while I got high in front of my computer laughing my head off at 4chan and youtube videos.
I’ve been going on a diet on and off since I’ve been home, but I haven’t restricted to the point I was able to before. That is until now. FUCK what everyone else says, FUCK their jealous intentions, FUCK being FAT. I want the old me back. I miss my bones.
So my friends here’s to another new beginning. Blogging with you lovely people has been the only “diet plan” that has ever worked for me.

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