Escape.

I sorta ran away from everything over the past two days. My work was canceled on Monday and Tuesday and I used to that opportunity to escape from my life. On Monday I walked around shopping for almost four hours. It was somewhat depressing because it wasn't long ago I had tried on almost everything in my path in sizes xs-s and sizes 2-4. Now it's back to medium tops and sizes 4-6 and "Oh...I don't want to try that on because I know I'll look terribly fat in it." Then on Tuesday my girlfriend and I took the day and went to Disneyland. We are both constantly dieting and we decided to just not care about what we put in our mouths that day. We agreed to not binge but we wouldn't feel guilty over a mickey mouse icecream or a churro. It was good but very depressing to return to reality. My birthday is coming up in two weeks. For the longest time I wanted to have a huge blow out. I wanted to get all dolled up and go out dancing and drinking the night away. Now that my birthday is so close and I am so incredibly unattractive, I would rather just do something more low-key and hidden. UGH. I'm so depressed right now. Hopefully some coffee and a good movie will cheer me up before I have to go to work.

love, pretty, thin.

oh my god.

So here I am...4 months later, and about ten pounds heavier. Why? Why? Why? I hate myself. I want to die...literally. I feel dead inside anyways, and I haven't looked at myself in the mirror for weeks. Want to know what happened? How I killed the skinny version of myself which I loved and adored so much?
I moved back home after graduating. I felt great both on the inside and out. Everyone else seemed to have a different opinion. (That is everyone but random strangers passing by). My friends said I was too skinny and were disgusted by me, my family held their tongues a little more than my friends but I could see in their eyes that they were concerned. I went to church and ladies came up to me and said they were praying for my health. "WTF?!" I asked myself, but pretty soon I started believing everyone.
I then got an amazing job which requires me to run around with children all day and it's extremely stressful. I started eating to deal with the stress and to increase my energy, and all the while I was telling myself "I'm too skinny anyways, I need this (insert disgustingly fattening food here)." Losing my period for three months also served as a motivator for me to gain weight. I ate everything in my path…mostly because I was unconsciously scared it would be the last time I would ever get my chubby fingers on this crappy food again. After a couple of months of stressful work, I discovered the joys of getting high. I love to eat while being stoned and stuffing my face with everything from pizza, to peanut butter cups. Pretty soon I found myself thinking almost every other day of what food I was going to gorge out on that night while I got high in front of my computer laughing my head off at 4chan and youtube videos.
I’ve been going on a diet on and off since I’ve been home, but I haven’t restricted to the point I was able to before. That is until now. FUCK what everyone else says, FUCK their jealous intentions, FUCK being FAT. I want the old me back. I miss my bones.
So my friends here’s to another new beginning. Blogging with you lovely people has been the only “diet plan” that has ever worked for me.

Fail.

I feel DISGUSTING. I binged last night. I had a really really bad evening...it seemed like everything was going wrong. I was tired, angry, sad and I went straight to my cabinet. I went to the tippy top shelf where I new I had jar of peanut butter stashed away and just went to town. I had probably five tablespoons of chunky peanut butter. This is why I need to be consuming at least 800-900 calories a day and exercise more, because if I do I am less likely to binge. Ugh, another step backwards. I suck I suck I suck.
I need to keep in mind WHY I want to lose more weight. I'm going home in less than three freakin' weeks!!!! I'm going to list all of the things I'm going to do and will have much more fun doing if I am just THINNER.

1)L.A. trips with girlfriends
2)Reading/Tanning on the beach
3)Meeting up with old friends
4)New job
5)Join an ACTUAL gym
6)Camping
7)Volunteering
8)Club/Pub crawls
9)Shopping!
10)New car
11)Vacationing/Weekend trips

I want to look fantastic while doing these things and I can't do that if I'm binging on peanut butter.

I'm in desperate need of some thinspo.

Love
Pretty
Thin