Progress.

Thank god I've lost one pound. It's that little bit of satisfaction I needed today. I swear I have been in a terrible mood these past few days. My friends are having a "girl's night" tonight and I am not really looking forward to it. I know there's going to be a ton of fatty food there and I'm going to get weird looks if I say I'm not hungry. I think I'm going to just tell them I had dinner at work and that my stomach isn't feeling very well. Hopefully it works.

Calories: +721
Exercise: -263

love, pretty, thin.

Okay.

Okay, yesterday ended up being better. I went to work, skipped dinner, went to the jacuzzi and watched a movie with my boyfriend. He's a total health nut. It's kinda scary sometimes. He knows about my eating problems but really doesn't make an effort to do anything about it. I think deep down inside he liked the thinner version of myself. Since I've gained weight, he's not as grabby or as touchy/feely as he used to be. Since we moved back from school he's actually gotten much thinner. Like I can see all of his ribs and his sternum. He claims he wants to gain weight but he just doesn't have time to make and eat all of the food it requires. Boys are so weird. Hope you all are doing great!

Calories: +630
Exercise: -0

love, pretty, thin.

Escape.

I sorta ran away from everything over the past two days. My work was canceled on Monday and Tuesday and I used to that opportunity to escape from my life. On Monday I walked around shopping for almost four hours. It was somewhat depressing because it wasn't long ago I had tried on almost everything in my path in sizes xs-s and sizes 2-4. Now it's back to medium tops and sizes 4-6 and "Oh...I don't want to try that on because I know I'll look terribly fat in it." Then on Tuesday my girlfriend and I took the day and went to Disneyland. We are both constantly dieting and we decided to just not care about what we put in our mouths that day. We agreed to not binge but we wouldn't feel guilty over a mickey mouse icecream or a churro. It was good but very depressing to return to reality. My birthday is coming up in two weeks. For the longest time I wanted to have a huge blow out. I wanted to get all dolled up and go out dancing and drinking the night away. Now that my birthday is so close and I am so incredibly unattractive, I would rather just do something more low-key and hidden. UGH. I'm so depressed right now. Hopefully some coffee and a good movie will cheer me up before I have to go to work.

love, pretty, thin.

Epic Fail.

I binged lastnight and I'm feeling awful today. That's all for right now...I want to crawl into a hole and die. FML.

love, pretty, thin.

Weekend Warrior.

Yesterday sucked. I hate Fridays because my work day is so hectic and I was totally stressing out because I knew my supervisors were going to be watching me. I ended up working out less and eating more to prepare for the judging. LAME! Well, at least it's over and I have two days to do whatever I want. I plan on eating far less than I do on the weekdays and I'm going to get in a super big workout tomorrow. I've been trying to stick to the two days workout/one day break schedule to keep me from getting burnt out and it's working pretty well actually. I just bought the book "Wasted" and I'm excited to start it today.

Calories: +913
Exercise: -179

love, pretty, thin.

Well, hello there.

So I didn't post yesterday because my internet was up and down. My best friend and I decided to ditch the girls at the fair because some lame concert was going on and we knew it was going to be packed. We are both very insecure about our appearances and we tend to diet together a lot. However, she's one of the main people in my life who's opposed to my restrictive eating habits. Mainly because she's about 60 lbs heavier than me, but what can you do? We decide to blaze and chill that night instead. We got my favorite sandwiches and split a cookie and I was so proud of myself that I did not pig out! Sure the sandwich and the cookie were pretty bad but I usually end nights where I get high at around 2,000 - 3,000 calories and that night I only ended at about 1,000. I felt so good about myself the next day.
Yesterday was a pretty good day too. My little sister and I had nothing to do last night so we decided to go to the movies. I got a little dressed up and actually looked at myself. "Well, hello there." I looked...okay. Not nearly as good as I used to look but good enough to dress up in something other than a sweatshirt and a flowy top. I was even hit on a couple of times at the theater! That was a surprise.

Okay, it's Friday! I can't wait for today to be over.

Calories: +782
Exercise: -263 (stretching, elliptical)

love, pretty, thin.

Fair Food.

Fair food? More like UNFAIR food! That's what's going on tonight. My girlfriend's are going to the fair and I'm invited. Every year I look forward to going. Not for the rides, or the attractions but for the food! I always get a bean rice and cheese burrito at this little family-run Mexican stand and I bag of warm cinnamon sugar mini doughnuts. I really hope I can resist tonight. I just got back from the dentist and my mouth will likely be hurting me for the rest of the day so I hope that will help. Well, wish me luck!

Calories: +717
Exercise: -291 (elliptical, weights, stretching)

love, pretty, thin.

another beginning.

Well today is day #2 of reviving the old me. I'm trying to think of ways around being able to have the same energy at work as I have been lately. I'd hate for me to lose my job because my energy is low. Do you guys have any suggestions? As of now I am going to allow the bulk of my calories to revolve around my shifts at work and I've bought a few sugar-free redbulls as well. God this makes me sick...I'm like back to square one. Never get here ladies...EVER. But writing in here makes me feel almost 50% better about myself. Well a new day a new beginning.

*I've been calculating my calorie and exercise intake via myfitnesspal.com (if you haven't seen it, it's definitely worth checking out and signing up for!) So I will not be re-writing all of the food I had for the day but I will be posting my calorie intake.*

Calories: +657
Exercise: -179 (elliptical machine, stretching)

love, pretty, thin.

oh my god.

So here I am...4 months later, and about ten pounds heavier. Why? Why? Why? I hate myself. I want to die...literally. I feel dead inside anyways, and I haven't looked at myself in the mirror for weeks. Want to know what happened? How I killed the skinny version of myself which I loved and adored so much?
I moved back home after graduating. I felt great both on the inside and out. Everyone else seemed to have a different opinion. (That is everyone but random strangers passing by). My friends said I was too skinny and were disgusted by me, my family held their tongues a little more than my friends but I could see in their eyes that they were concerned. I went to church and ladies came up to me and said they were praying for my health. "WTF?!" I asked myself, but pretty soon I started believing everyone.
I then got an amazing job which requires me to run around with children all day and it's extremely stressful. I started eating to deal with the stress and to increase my energy, and all the while I was telling myself "I'm too skinny anyways, I need this (insert disgustingly fattening food here)." Losing my period for three months also served as a motivator for me to gain weight. I ate everything in my path…mostly because I was unconsciously scared it would be the last time I would ever get my chubby fingers on this crappy food again. After a couple of months of stressful work, I discovered the joys of getting high. I love to eat while being stoned and stuffing my face with everything from pizza, to peanut butter cups. Pretty soon I found myself thinking almost every other day of what food I was going to gorge out on that night while I got high in front of my computer laughing my head off at 4chan and youtube videos.
I’ve been going on a diet on and off since I’ve been home, but I haven’t restricted to the point I was able to before. That is until now. FUCK what everyone else says, FUCK their jealous intentions, FUCK being FAT. I want the old me back. I miss my bones.
So my friends here’s to another new beginning. Blogging with you lovely people has been the only “diet plan” that has ever worked for me.